Fifty Shades of Grey: Scarred
by writersblock82
Summary: Everyone knows that Ana saved Christian. But what if he saved her too? What if she didn't stumble into his office that day? Ana's a couple years older, a bit jaded and not even remotely expecting Christian Grey. Fates like that though; it always happens at the most inconvenient times. This will be same characters, a different way, with same result; together. **Story from both POVs
1. Chapter 1

1.

"I'm so sorry Ana. Please don't hate me," he said as I gathered my purse to get out of his car. Funny, it sounded like he was almost remorseful... Almost. The funny thing about remorse is; the ones inflicting it, never feel half of those receiving.

Halfway down the hall to the door, with my head down, I am begging my eyes to not let the tears fall. He doesn't deserve your tears Ana, no one does. I tell myself. It has become my mantra. No one gets to hurt you. No one gets another piece of you. They just don't. But I'm lying to myself. Because after a year to the day, something I once held so dear is done. He doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't want us anymore. I know that he tried. I know I am so hard, and I am so much. But this time, I thought I was worth it. I thought he did too. Clearly I was wrong. This hall is so long. I don't ever remember it being this long. As I reach the door, I can feel him right behind me. He is so close. I have the capability to fix this. I know that's what he wants. But I can't. I don't have it in me. Just then, Jose puts his hand on the door pushing it closed. Resigned, I turn and lean against it. It is all I have to hold me up at this point.

With a sigh I say, "I don't hate you. I am so sad. I'm sad that you didn't think we were worth it to try and get through this and that you couldn't just be patient with me. I'm sad that it is easy for you to just walk away, because this has been really, really hard for me. I'm sad that you didn't even think that maybe, just maybe it won't always be like this and that I won't always be like this, that every day I am trying. I am trying to be better for me, for you. I am trying so hard. I'm sad that even though I said all that it doesn't matter. Because at the end of the day, regardless of circumstance if you care about and want to be with someone you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse, period. That's what it boils down to at the end of the day; you didn't care enough to even try. I guess I was right in having that fear that I would be the variable you remove when things get hard, that you can never love me enough. I hate being right. So no Jose, I'm not mad. Not in the slightest. I am really, really sad. I thought I was worth it. I needed to be worth it."

He didn't expect that response. He is staring down at me, with his arms on either side of me. He is willing me to continue. I have nothing else to say. I know it is me. I am not easy to love. My walls are so incredibly high that is almost impossible to get in. Jose got closer than anyone ever has. He is the first man I have ever been fully honest with, and even then. That was not enough. I was not enough. I love him; to the amount I am capable. I really did. I really do. But it's not enough. I know that. I know that I can beg him to stay and he will. I know that's what he wants; for me to fight. But I can't. He deserves better than me. Everyone does.

"I love you Ana. I love you so much. I know you know that, I know you believe that. But you make it so hard. You treat our relationship as a business arrangement. Every moment, every event, everything we do is carefully planned and orchestrated. You still flinch when I touch you. I know you love me. But this last month, I waited for a sign from you, something…Anything that would prove that you are just an invested as I am. You gave me space, because it was easy. It's probably a relief that you didn't have to play house anymore and go back to your life alone. The only place you feel completely safe. But you were safe with me Ana. I would have never hurt you. All I wanted to do was protect you. You are my best friend. I wanted to marry you, build a life together. But you won't let me in. You never really have. You are worth it, you are worth everything. But I can't continue loving you at a distance. If you love me, if you want to make this work, you will talk. We will work through this together and you will finally let me in. Or you will walk away. I don't want to lose you. But I can't love you like this."

With that, I turn around, his arms still on either side of me. Put my sunglasses on. At this moment I am holding on by a thread, and my traitorous eyes will not hold out much longer. As I close the door, I realize I am closing the door on the man who I spent the last year falling in love with, that I gave my heart to, that I woke up next to. I don't look back. I can't, I will not survive if I have to look in those eyes that I thought would be mine forever. I know he doesn't want this, but he did this and there is no going back. As I get in my car, frantically trying to start it and get the fuck out of here. I cannot let him see me cry.

As I drive home, my face wet from the tears, with the taste of salt on my lips, I reflect. What brought us here? What did I do? What didn't I do? As open and honest as I have ever been with another human being, it had been with him. Granted, it was only once. I quickly reverted once I told him and begged him to never speak about it again. I didn't tell him everything though. Not even close. I've never said any of it out loud. I can't, it's too painful. I wish he understood what that meant to me telling him. It was so hard. I was shattered again. In the end, it didn't matter. We are here now. We are done.

Truth be told, Jose got the best version of me. I have spent the last few years solely focused on becoming the best version of myself. I knew that once I was ready to date and find my other half that I would expect a lot. So I knew I had to be worth a lot too. When I finally decided I was tired of living this falsified existence that I built on antidepressants, alcohol and manufactured relationships. I knew I needed to address the root. Because I cannot fathom speaking about my past, I began to write, pen to paper. That was my form of therapy. I don't like talking. I don't like opening up. I don't think I am even capable if we are being honest. Even if I tried, the words would never leave my mouth. The thought petrified me. But writing was my solace. I felt safe within those pages. I started from the beginning to the end, anything and everything. I wrote out every last detail, at least all that I could remember. I purged my entire soul onto paper for years. I felt cleansed. All the hurt I have been through, all of the pain. It was all out there palpable in spiral notebooks, dozens of them.

When I mentally felt free, physical was next. Somewhere along the line, between the drinking, and the antidepressants, the self-loathing and pain, I lost myself. Physically speaking, I had never been so unhealthy in my life. So I began to work out, daily, sometimes twice a day. I ate right. I watched everything I put in my body. In a years' time, I was in better shape than I was in high school. Although I still could not bring myself to see what others did, I felt pretty damn good. Within a year, I was able to ween off everything I had been taking to keep me functioning. It was petrifying at first. To have all these feelings, all the emotions I was now accountable for. I suppressed them for an embarrassing amount of years. For years, I was reliant on these medications to exist. I didn't think I could function without them. But I did, and I do. I thought I was finally ready to concur whatever was next.

Lastly, on my checklist was for me. To say I have dated a lot of men is an understatement. So to create a list of what I do and don't want in a man and relationship was quite easy. I always dated the wrong men, knew I was doing it, and chose them anyways. I chose them because I knew I would never have to offer up my soul, my heart, what I really am. I found a great amount of peace in knowing they can never truly hurt me, because I was already dead. To be quite honest, most are nameless and faceless at this point. Sure, there were those few that tried to save me. But they all failed miserably. Until Jose, he was getting there. Maybe not in the time that he hoped. But he got me more than any man ever had.

Jose was my checklist to a T. He was the epitome of the checklist. He was strong, driven, kind, incredibly sensitive. For the first time ever, I was safe. Not just emotionally but physically as well. I knew he would always protect me. He would never let any harm come to me. He was the man who walked along the outside of the street, the one who at the first site of precipitation put his jacket over my head, he was patient. He was going to change everything. He was it, the game changer. Finally, I have my peace. That is, until I didn't. Within the last month, there was an apparent shift in his behavior towards me. He started contacting me less, seeing me less; he no longer said the endearing things he had in months prior. Something was wrong. I knew what the problem was, I knew it was me. But I couldn't will myself to fix it. Internally I was devastated; I didn't want to lose him. I knew he needed more from me. But I just couldn't. He deserved so much, and I wasn't capable. I tried. I really did try.

Outwardly, I was patient. Because I thought if I could just get him to hold on a little longer, he would realize that he doesn't want to do this. But as we reached the 3rd week, with no end in sight I knew this was not good. I was so angry, so hurt. Why couldn't I be enough like this? Why does everyone always want more? But when it came to him, I was different. Everyone told him that. He knew that. He knew I gave him as much as I could. But it would never be enough for someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. So I began to give him space. I thought he would surely come back seeing how life is without me. He would find his way back. I couldn't have been more wrong. By the last week, I knew we were on borrowed time. I wasn't sure if it was confusion or fear of really hurting me, but he prolonged it. Those four weeks I was in purgatory. It was devastating. But I didn't want to let go. He was worth holding onto. Unfortunately, I wasn't.

"He left me," I tell Kate. Katherine Kavanagh, my best friend and roommate from college. The term opposites attract was made for us. "What the fuck do you mean he left you? You spent the last month supporting him, giving him his space, and for what? What bullshit excuse did he give you"? She really has no filter either. "I don't know. He needed more. I couldn't give him more. I wanted to. I wanted him to know how important he was to me. I wanted him to know how much I trusted and loved him. I tried so many times to verbalize it. But everything time, the words would just not articulate. I wish I could have been enough as I am why wasn't I good enough to make him happy? I have come so far. He has no idea. Why wasn't I enough?" My eyes are starting to hurt. She hates my self-loathing. I do too. But it's incredibly hard to rationalize someone who just told you they loved you walking away. Especially when you could have stopped this if you could have just opened up…

And with a deep sigh she says, "Ana…He's right. You give people a tiny sliver of you. Only enough to where they won't come any closer. Yes, you were more open with him than anyone in your life. Including me…But he was your partner. You told him time and again how safe he made you feel. But not safe enough to be honest with him fully and it's not fair. It's not fair to the man who wants to be your everything. You are so hard to love Ana. Not because you aren't worth it. But because you don't think you are. You've built this seemingly perfect life. From the outside looking in you have it all together; the perfect little place, with the amazing career, doting friends and family. You are wonder woman. You do this because no one will ever question how destroyed you are. That is, unless they truly love you."

I sigh. I know she is not done.

"But can I be candid here?" She asks. However rhetorical it is. I already know where she's going with this. "I am proud of you Ana. Who you are today, and who you were 2 years ago are not even on the same planet. You have grown and worked so hard for this amazing person you have become. But let's get real. All the journals you've written, all the tears you've shed, all the miles you've ran are not going to allow you to escape what the root of the issue with your lack of self-worth." Fuck. Here is comes. "You need therapy. You need to actually talk to a professional. You have spent your whole life dulling the pain with medication, choosing relationships that are beyond toxic, just so you can feel and it's time. You have now given up the person you proclaimed to love all because you cannot deal with this. You've never dealt with any of this. Sure you took some antidepressants; you drank far too much and spiraled out of control. But then you got better. Well, better-ish." She says with every ounce of hesitation. As if she's waiting for me to go nuclear. She knows this subject is a no fly zone for everyone who knows me. To be clear, no one on this planet knows the whole story. Not even close. And most that know, don't even know it was me.

She's right, I do need to talk. I won't, it will never happen. Not even the loss of someone I care deeply about will motivate me to do it. This is who I am. "I would say thank you Kate. But I feel worse than when I got on the phone", I say with exasperation. "I love you enough to call you on this shit Ana. Have a safe flight and call me when you land. I love you."

With all of this mess the last few weeks I totally forgot I am flying to Austin tonight for work. I am not in the mind frame to go and assist with the build of our new program, but at this point, I don't think I have any other choice but to go. However, this may actually be a good thing. I need to focus my head somewhere else and this is a perfect opportunity to do so. At the very least my anxiety will be redirected to my real fear; flying. I avoid these trips at all costs, and will drive hours rather than sit on a plane. But there was absolutely no way around it. Resigned to the fact that I need to get ready as my flight leaves in a few hours, I throw my phone in the cup holder and proceed to go inside to pack as quick as I can.

A few hours later, I am done packing for a week in Austin. Probably a little over packed as I have no idea what the itinerary holds. But needless to say, I am ready. I place my bags by the front door, and make my way to the shower. The water is exceptionally hot. Especially on my face, I equate it to being sensitive from the tears I shed today. As I lather my body, paying special attention to my arms, specifically my lower arms and wrists. My fingers linger a little longer on the palpable reminder of how damaged I really am. Of course he can't love me. Who would want to stay with someone like me? I am surprised he lasted as long as he did.

I realize my phone is blinking and realize I have multiple missed texts from Jose. At this point, I feel as though he is trying to torture me slowly.

_-Watching you walk away will go down in history as the worst moment of my life..._

_-Ana, I love you. You know that right? You know I love you more than anything. That is why I did this. You won't let me in. I can't love you the way you deserve._

_-I will never not love you._

I throw my phone back in the cup holder and head to Sea-Tac. I don't know when or how it got so late but my flight is scheduled to leave in 30 minutes. The airport is a nightmare. It's always frustrating when I fly out of here. It's a Friday and not only is it insanely busy, but I probably picked the furthest parking structure from where I need to be. As I am jogging to my respective terminal I hear my phone ding for a text message. Against my better judgement, I look down to grab it out of my purse.

In a fraction of a second, I have now collided with a man in front of me. "Fuck!" I shout as I watch my phone drop to the ground and the glass particles shatter everywhere. "Could this day get any worse?" I say to myself as I watch the man I just nearly knocked over bend over and grab the remnants of my phone. "Yeah, you could be the guy who just got nearly pummeled by a gorgeous stranger. Actually when I put it like that, I guess my luck isn't so bad after all", he says with a laugh. Wait...I know that voice, I think to myself as my eyes wander towards his face.

Fuck...I know him.


	2. Chapter 2

So first, thank you for the reviews and private messages, both good and bad. I appreciate them nonetheless! Please keep in mind, I am no writer. Not by a long shot. I am just a girl who loves a story and wanted to manifest some thoughts to paper. I have, well had about 9 chapters already written. But after some feedback I will be doing some tweaks. It may seem a bit slow at first. But it will pick up. I just really wanted to build them out a little bit beforehand. The Christian chapters will be a bit shorter than Ana's. Any who, here's 2, Christian's point of view. I hope you like it. Let me know what you think =]

2\. (CG POV)

It has been another sleepless night. Another night where the nightmares have taken over. Another morning waking drenched in a pool of my own sweat. I long for the nights where I am not tormented by the demons of my past. Where sleeping through the night is not just a fantasy. I am exhausted; both mentally and physically. I should call Flynn and make and emergency appointment. Better yet, look over the portfolios Elena had sent so I can get a new submissive in here. It has been eight months since Leila. I think it's time.

Truth be told though, I am exhausted. After finally closing the South Korea deal to expand my shipping yard, I am ready to decompress. This deal was 8 months in the making, between their government's policies, customs constraints, and pricing negotiations, this was by far the most draining deal I have ever done. But my charity is opening a new location in Austin and of course I have to show my face at the benefit.

Yes, I fund this charity; I take great pride in what I am doing. This is by far the most important project to me. However, I don't enjoy all the superficial shit which comes with running it. We throw these benefits to not only raise awareness of the obscene amount of poverty and malnutrition that runs rampant across the globe, but to raise money for continued growth and to continue thriving. Truth be told, I could fully fund it all on my own, 100 times over. But these rich greedy fuckers can use the write off, and bonus points for their souls.

Being back for less than 24 hours and turning around and heading to Austin does not seem appealing whatsoever. But I need to make sure everything is in order and this goes off without a hitch. With the donor backing and media coverage, we are on pace to bring in about 5 million dollars on Sunday. This is huge. This cannot fail. If we are successful at making this work, we can potentially open expand our offshore offices in a years' time. This is years in the making. So no matter how near exhaustion I am, that will need to take a back seat for the next few days.

"Christian, dear. How was your trip?" She says with a contrived cough and I can't help but laugh...

"Hello mother," I say, trying to keep the laughter at bay. "It was fine. How're you feeling? You sound…Ill?" I ask her. I can tell by the pseudo cough what is coming next. "I've been better. I'm sorry but I cannot make it to Austin my love. That flight would not sit well with what I am coming down with." She continues..."you know, people are starting to get sick of seeing me on your arm. Don't you think it's about time you start thinking of settling down? Your business is thriving, the charity are going well. You need more in your life," She says. Every conversation in recent history has always led to this. Either that or questioning my sexuality. But if she knew who I was, who I really was, she would never speak to me again. I am not capable or remotely interested in a conventional relationship. It's not who I am, I am not built that way. "Mother please feel better. I will speak to you when I get home", I tell her. The irony that my physical mother is faking an illness is not lost on me.

In addition to the near exhaustion I am feeling right now. I will be flying commercial. Not something I would have ever thought I would be doing. But the jet will not be ready since we have been back less than 24 hours and will not be cleared to fly again for another day or two. Luckily, I was able to secure the entire first class. The thought of having to socialize with strangers who have no interest in me, just my money does not seem remotely appealing.

Looking over an email from Welch of the manifest for the flight I quickly realize there is a name I recognize. _Anastasia Steele…Interesting._ I wonder what business she has in Austin.

"Mr. Grey."

"Welch, find out what business and why Anastasia Steele will be in Austin."

"Give me 20 and I will send you over her itinerary for her time there."

Just as I finish up, Taylor walks into my office. "Sir, we are ready to go. As this is a commercial flight, we need to leave a bit earlier. The first class lounge has been cleared out for our duration", Taylor advises. As I grab my briefcase I am alerted with an email from Welch.

_Mr. Grey,_

_Ms. Steele will be heading your PR team in Austin due to you benefit. She is not on the guest list as she will not be in attendance. She will also be working with her company's internal IT to build out the system for the transition_

Interesting, although it does make sense she would be a part of this_. _I just hadn't heard anything of her being there. But she has remained behind the scenes during this transition. Although I am confused as to why because it was quite clear to me after the first two meetings that she runs the show. On top of her being gorgeous, she is intelligent. Her proposal and plan are what solidified Grey Holdings levering her company.

Traffic is terrible, per usual. One of the many perks of Seattle. As we arrive in the terminal I wonder how anyone could willingly fly coach. This is a shit show. Confused as to why I am waiting in line just to get in the building. I look over at Taylor. "What the fuck is going on? Why are we standing in line to just get in the building?" I asked. "Apparently, there was some sort of threat. It has been confirmed to be a hoax, but it has made a bit of delay throughout the building." He responds.

Before, I know it I am knocked by something, or someone. As I turn around, I see this stunning disheveled mess trying to gather herself. Ana, she's gorgeous; Long brown hair, piercing blue eyes, and pale, porcelain skin. She is possibly the most beautiful human being I have ever seen. She is clearly distraught so I quickly grab her phone off the ground which is now I'm a thousand pieces and hand it to her. As she mumbles to herself about her luck, I can't help but poke. _Whatever you are thinking Grey. Stop. You are her boss's, boss's boss. She is off limits. _As she lifts her head at my voice and looks up at me she finally realizes who she bumped into. Well, this is going to go one of two ways…


	3. Chapter 3

Reposted…Ugh I hope this works!

Yeah, I couldn't wait to post this one. It is probably one of my favorites I have written so far. I hope you love it like I do =]

3\. (AS POV)

Of all the people I have to run over Christian Grey? Really? There are thousands of people who come in and out of this airport and my shit luck is it has to be him. He's beautiful though. How is this possible? He has leveraged the company I work for to handle all public relations for Grey Enterprises nationally. They are our biggest client by a landslide. In fact, the team I head up is dedicated solely to ensuring a smooth onboarding process. I have sat in on all meetings to make sure the transition from his prior company to ours is seamless.

I am sure he doesn't realize who I am considering the way I look right now. But I most certainly know who he is. He is just as beautiful even casual; white V neck t-shirt, and grey jeans. Complete with his signature tousled copper locks. This really will go down as the worst day of my life.

"I. Am so. Sorry. I've had a really, really bad day. And I just, I'm late for my flight which I am sure I have now missed. And it's just a really bad day. On top of it, and can barely walk and talk. I had no business thinking I could text and run. Anyways, did you drop anything or is the only thing broken my phone and dignity?"

At that, he laughs. This is a dream. I am definitely dreaming. "If this is what happens when you run and text. Please don't ever try and drive and text. Seriously though, I am fine. Your phone however, is not. By the way, I'm Christian," he says. I know who you are. He doesn't realize who I am. That can be taken as a blessing, or a curse. Tonight I don't have time to figure out which one. Wait, did he call me beautiful?

"Christian, it's my pleasure. I'm Ana. I am so incredibly sorry. I don't mean to cut this short. But I need to run. I need to attempt to check in and see if I can still make my flight. It was good to bump into you, and I hope you have a safe flight," I say as I am already walking away.

I don't know why or what I am thinking not continuing talking to him. But really, he was just being courteous. Whatever you think you felt Ana, you didn't. He is Christian Grey, arguably the most successful mogul in his age bracket. There is nothing he would want from me. I am not his type. I'm me. I shoot my boss an email, extremely aware of my surroundings so as to not have another run in with anyone.

As I make my way to the kiosk I get an email from my boss. Times like this I am glad I have my business phone too. Otherwise, I would be beyond screwed right now.

Ana,

All other direct flights are booked to Austin till 6am; there is one in an hour which will take 12 hours with layover. Grab a hotel nearby and just take the 6am one.

PS: I am so jealous you got to touch him right now. Was it magical? I bet he smells heavenly. Please delete before HR gets a hold of this!

LO

I laugh out loud. My boss is also my mentor, and a dear friend. She has watched me go through it. She is also one of those ones that think everyone wants me. I don't get it. But I know they do it for the sake of my nonexistent self-esteem. I do appreciate them for that. As I get to the kiosk I check out the flights and decide on the one that is earliest and direct.

"Miss Steele, actually, I see you on the manifest for 2490 in first class. They are set to leave in about one hour," She says. Ok, I'm confused. "No, that must be a mistake. I haven't rebooked yet. I just need to rebook my missed flight. Please look again." I ask. She turns the monitor to me. "No Miss Steele. It's all right here. It was just updated a few moments ago in fact. Please give me a few and I will have someone escort you out to the first class lounge," She says.

"No need for anyone to take her there, I will help her find the way."

As I turn around, Christian is pushing his body off the pillar. He really is that gorgeous in real life. As he gets in my vicinity, I feel it again. No, this is not real. I am playing far too out of my league right now. With my bags checked he leans down to say something. He is really close, uncomfortable close. All I can think is how I want him to be closer. "I figured you had a shitty day, so I was hoping I could help you end it on a good note," he says as he takes my hand to guide me out of the line.

"This is incredibly kind, and unexpected. But I absolutely cannot let you do this. Do you even know where I am going? This is such an inconvenient to you I am sure. Please, I will just rebook my flight."

People doing things like this make me extremely uncomfortable. It has been something I have a hard time with. Even down to a dollar burger. It was a huge point of contention with Jose. In retrospect, I think it emasculated him. It's true; I was financially in a better place. But what he didn't understand and what I could never say was it was never about him, it was me. I watched my mother go from man to man. Each one for financially secure than the last. I vowed that I would never let that be my life. But Jose and I never talked about our past. Maybe that would have helped to be honest.

"Ana, I happen to know you are going to Austin on business. As luck would have it, so am I. Think of this as retribution for nearly costing me my life," He says with a smirk. I can't help but laugh. Tonight, I will concede on this. I am far too physically and emotionally exhausted to argue with anyone else today. "Thank you. I really appreciate you doing this for me," I tell him. I'm blushing; I can feel it on my cheeks. This is embarrassing. Although I am sure he is quite used to this.

"No, thank you. If it weren't for you this would be an extremely mundane flight," he says. Wait, he wants to actually hang out with me? "Oh, assumed you had someone with you or something?" I question. "No, it's just me. I have a really important benefit I am hosting Sunday night. My mother was supposed to fly out but she came down Ill," he said. "I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope she's alright," I apologize. "She'll be fine. She just came down with idontwanttositonaplanefor4hours-itis. Anyway, enough about that. I want to know you..."

Wait, what? "What about me? There's not really much to know," I sigh. I realize that even if I wanted to tell him about myself, there would be nothing of interest to him. "I highly doubt that Ana. I think there is far more to you than you are letting on. So how about this…We can do a series of questions and answers. I'll start. Anastasia, how long are you planning on letting on like you have no idea who I am? Granted, you are very good at nonchalant. I will give you that. But lets me clear, you know exactly who I am, and vice versa Ms. Steel," he says with a devious smirk.

Holy shit. "Well, that's an ice breaker if I have ever heard one. I guess the simple answer is I planned on keeping it up until you called me on it? I'm sure you deal with people interested in invading your personal space and time all the time. I have no desire to harass people getting on planes. It's already a stressful situation. However, I have no problem nearly knocking them over though," I shrug. "Witty, I like that...you're turn." I mean really, there are countless things I can ask.

It's nearly 10 at night and my business phone is going off. "I'm sorry, I need to take this," I apologize. As I walk away, I answer without looking.

"Are you alright," Jose says panicked. Wait, didn't we just break up? I'm really confused as to what is going on here. "Yes Jose, I'm fine. I dropped my other phone and it broke into a million little pieces. I was already at the airport and had no time to get a new one. Did you need something," I ask. Not that I need to. I already know what's coming. "Can we talk when you're back? I don't like how things went..." I interrupt him. "No one likes how breakups go. But this is what you wanted. This is what you have been thinking about for weeks and you've become increasingly more distant. At this point no, we can't talk. I'm not ready to talk. I just want to grieve the loss of our relationship and move on as best I can. Remember, I didn't want this. In fact, there were points before today that I begged you to just work through this with me, for me. You didn't. You chose this," I tell him. "I made a mistake Ana. You know I did. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I knew it was a mistake," he pleads. I can hear the anguish in his tone. "I know, and I hate this mistake you made, because your mistake broke us. I have to go. I don't want to talk about his anymore tonight," I say. With that, I hang up.

Walking back over to Christian, I start to feel a slight tinge of guilt. I love Jose. I wanted to build a life with him. But here I am playing 21 questions with a man I have no chance with. What am I doing?

"That clearly wasn't work related. Your facial expression says it all." He says as I walk back to my respective seat next to him.

"No, it wasn't. I would almost welcome that at this point," I tell him. "Boyfriend," he questions.

"No...Wait...it's my turn for the question sir," I interrupt. "Fair enough, ask away Anastasia." I'll keep it simple. "First, it's just Ana. Second, why am I here?" I ask. "Going straight for it; good for you. It's really quite simple. I want to know you," he says with that perfect smirk. Come again? "Know me?" I question.

"Yes Ana, know you. When you looked up at me with your red, puffy, clearly just got done crying, lost eyes. All I could think about is how someone could do that to you. Truth be told, I have seen you in the meetings. Usually across the room, sipping your tea, head down but intently listening to every word said. Then like clockwork, everyone turns to you to resolve whatever issue and you do so every time. I thought you were stunning the first time I saw you, then you spoke and I realized you are so much more than that pretty face of yours. I never mix business with pleasure. I keep the two incredible separate. So I'm not quite sure what it is, or what it means. But I have this inherent need to know you, to know everything about you. So yes, know you, I want to know you Ana."

"I don't even know what to say to that," I say. Why do I want to cry right now? "Don't say anything, except the answer to my next question. Who called you right now?" he asks. "My ex-boyfriend, Jose." And it's over before it started. "Your ex, is this recent?" I bit my lip, unable to speak in fear that I'll start crying and I shake my head yes. "Hence the swollen red eyes?" he asks. "You're quick Christian. I'll give you that much," I say with a slight laugh. I am attempting now to lighten the mood and failing miserably. "What happened, if you don't mind me asking?" he asks.

I don't mind. I want to tell him. But I am still trying to sort through it myself. "It's fine. I dated this guy for a year. I cared a great deal for him. I loved him, and he broke up with me. There was no defining moment, no blow up fight, nothing. Just him gradually pulling away till he decided he was done. He called right now to say he made a mistake." I can tell he tensed by that. "And do you think he did?" he asks. "Well, yes. Because I was good to him. Really, really good. And we had a good relationship. I really saw a future with him. So yes, he made a mistake. He lost someone who would have supported and loved him regardless," I say. "So you're not thinking about taking him back?" he asks. He almost looks worried. "No, let me be honest. Aside from Jose, the only relationships I know are toxic. And when I finally decided to start dating seriously, I had 2 cardinal rules. He lies, were done. He leaves me, he's never coming back. He knew this and instead of just trying to work through whatever he was feeling he left me. You don't leave people you love. You figure it out. You talk it out. But you don't leave. That's it. It's really simple. At least I think so." I see him relax a little. Woah, he cares.

"Ok, I'm done talking about this now, my turn. So what are you intentions once were in Austin?" I ask. I don't even know why I am asking that. I am his employee. What am I even doing? "Well, permitting you say yes to my next question, I can continue answering. May I jump to mine?" He asks.

I motion that he has the floor. "I would very much like to take you out Saturday night. I assume you need to get settled once we arrive, and I have some things I need to square away for the benefit. But I would love to take you out tomorrow night. Permitting you want that too. And now knowing your current relationship state, I will understand if that's a no. But know that, since the moment you ran into me, all I could think about was the next time I will see you. The timing is shit. I know that. But my intentions are you take you out tomorrow night and begin to show you why you are no longer with your ex and why you bumped into me. This is serendipity at its finest Ana," he says.

He can't be serious, is this real life right now? My head is saying yes, off novelty alone. But it hasn't even been 24 hours. I care about Jose. But I need to remember he left me. We are here because of him. That makes my decision too easy. "Yes, I would very much like to accept your offer," I tell him. And just then, they advise we are getting ready to board.

As we board the plane I quickly realize it is just he and I. "Christian, where is everyone else?" I ask him. "I typically don't fly commercial. But the only way to make it tolerable was to make sure it would just be me. Well and you now," he says with a smile. As I am getting buckled in I catch glimpses of him staring down at me. Each and every time I have to remind myself to breathe. He is beyond intimidating, and mostly hard to read. But there is something incredibly endearing about Christian as well. I have only known him to be this stoic powerhouse who commands perfection. Truth be told, I admire him for it. He is not that much older than me. And yes, I am sad right now. That has not change. But I am also starting to understand when people say that fate has no timeline. Because for the first time in over a month I feel semi normal. I have Christian to thank for that. Today was shaping up to go down as one of the worst days of my life. However, it is quickly redirecting into what could be one of the best. Is it too soon to entertain the idea of letting someone new into my life? Absolutely. Do I care? Not in the slightest.


	4. Chapter 4

That you guys for the reviews! However, I want to get your thoughts. Do you like the both POV version, or do you see it as redundant? Should I go forward with just Ana's POV? I would love to hear what you think!

4.

_What in the hell just happened? And why am I letting her get away?_ I quickly fish my phone out of my pocket. She's too far now to chase.

"Hi Christian, you got the manifest and itinerary right?"

"Yes, thank you Andrea. But I'm not calling for that. I need you to purchase a ticket for Anastasia Steele for first class on the flight immediately."

"Yes, Mr. Grey. I will do this now. I will email you the updated manifest once I have confirmation."

"Your time is very limited. Anastasia is currently waiting in line to rebook."

"I have sent you updated. Would you like me to contact her to confirm her reservation and flight information?"

"No, I will do that myself. Thank you Andrea."

As I make my way to the line, I spot her immediately. all disheveled, she is gorgeous. In a crowded airport, she still stands out. As I stand against the pillar, anxiously awaiting the attendant to advise her about her new flight arrangements, I wonder if I did the right thing. Yes, without her saying it, I know she knows who I am. Now with most, that means something. But with her, she was so distracted, it didn't matter who I was. It was refreshing and disappointing all at the same time. She has missed her flight. Selfishly though, all I am concerned with is for time with Anastasia. Truth be told, I would have attempted to get her on my flight even if she had not missed hers.

As the flight attendant advises of her new itinerary she looks confused, nervous even. The attendant is again trying to explain but she does not really understand and I can tell she is starting to get upset. I think it's time i interject...

As we walk side by side back to the first class lounge. While they finish finals checks, I notice she is nervously fiddling with her phone. Her fingers are long and narrow, she has textbook piano fingers. Her fingers look like they would fit perfect in mine. My mind starts to wander about how it would feel to have our hands entwined. _Stop it Grey. You don't hold hands._ She is tall, I don't think I realized before how tall she is. She's model tall. Aesthetically, she is perfect. What am I even doing right now?

She looks conflicted. There are moments all I see is inherent sadness. But there are also moments I notice her look up at me through her long, dark eyelashes and she almost looks hopeful. She looks excited to be with me. I can't help but wonder who made her this sad. Who would want to do this to her? She looks like she has been crying for weeks on end. Even so, she's perfect. And I just want to know her. I want to know everything. Truth be told, this is not my thing. Knowing people on a personal level that is. But I need to, Ana is a need.

As I am sitting here listening to her talk. I realize I can listen to her talk for hours, probably days on end I'm being honest. I can tell she is nervous. I don't know if it's the situation or just me. But she is definitely nervous. Since we have been talking, the red in her eyes has subsided a bit. She almost looks...happy. But just like that, the mood is shifted once again. I watch her pace back and forth. Biting her lip, which I have now realized is a defense mechanism for her. It still baffles me that anyone would make her feel this. That call is definitely not work related.

When she proceeds to explain the phone call and the demise of her relationship, I start to worry. Aside from the professional boundaries I have obliterated. Ana is clearly not remote emotionally available. I can tell that she is in some form attracted to me. But emotionally, she is a wreck, rightfully so. I wish I could have met her at a later time. When she may be able to entertain whatever it is going through my head. _This is good Grey. Walk away. She doesn't deserve who you are. She deserves more._ My subconscious chirps. But that's the funny thing about fate, it sees no timeline. She is trying so hard to hold it together, I think more so for my sake.

The more I listen to her talk, it becomes increasingly clear that after this flight I need more time with Ana. After I explain to her why it is just her and I in first class I do something I have never done. Without reservation, or sense at this point I turn to her. "Ana, I know this is possibly the worst timing for you known to man. I'm not going to pretend you have met me and you are now over whatever his name is. But know this. You ran into me for a reason. And so long as you allow it, I plan on exploring that reason. Whatever this is, I don't want it to end in Austin. I don't know how or if this will work. But what I do know, and believe without a doubt is that I came in your life for a reason, and vice versa. There is a reason you're not together now. There's a reason you fell into me. So please, give me, better yet give us the opportunity to figure out what that reason is."


	5. Chapter 5

Taking some advice from fsogaddict! I combined their POV's in one. Let me know what you think. I will try and post again by this weekend. But the real job is actually calling now… I hope you guys like it. And I hope you are pleased with the development. Fair warning though, at some point it will get pretty dark.

5.

At this point, I am speechless. Yes I realize he has asked me out and I am still trying to wrap my head around that. I think he's sees me as a charity case. Why else would he be doing this? I mean its sweet and all, but he's Christian Grey. And I'm me, Ana Steel. There is nothing I can offer him. I am barely a person. I'm really taken aback right now. "You don't have to do this Christian. Really, you don't. However, I totally appreciate you trying to get me out of this mood. You don't have to. Look at you. Look at me. You don't have to do this," I tell him.

"You really don't see it do you? I thought that your blissful ignorance was just you being coy. But no, you really down see it. I'm amazed," he says with a laugh.

"Excuse me?" I think I'm offended.

"Since the moment you ran into me. I could not get you out of my head. Clearly, I'm not the only one. Your ex wants you back in record time. Because he sees what he's lost. I don't know if you've noticed, but there has not been one person who has not done a double take at you. Not me, you. You are fucking stunning Ana. Like beyond gorgeous. More than that, from what I have seen in this short amount of time, you have more depth than west coast entire population in your pinky. I want to be near you, because I want to know you. Not because I need to, not because I have to, because I want to. Even sitting next to you, I'm already figuring out how I will see you again. You beguile me Ana Steele. And even if I wanted to walk away from you, I think I am quite positive I couldn't. You have no idea how incredibly unique and beautiful you are, and that's a tragedy in and of itself," Christian explains.

...I really don't even know how to respond to that. He's beautiful. Women throw themselves at him. And here he is, sitting next to me, saying the most beautiful things to me. And as much as I would like to believe it, my head and my heart just won't. He does not know me. He will never understand.

"Christian, please. You don't know me and what you are describing seems nice, but it's not reality. I've been down this road before. Men come into my life become infatuated with me. But that is a fleeting feeling and they burn out as quickly as they come. So yes, you may feel this way now. But you won't always. And my soul is hanging on by a thread already splitting. What you're saying sounds so good. But you can have anyone..."

"...STOP. Stop with this self-deprecating shit. You are worth so much more than you think Ana. I have learned this in a matter of hours. Those who you have dated are not worthy of you. Period. They don't see you. But I do. I know you're hurting right now. I know you think no one will ever be what you deserve. I'm putting myself on a limb here. I know I should not even entertain this considering your current relationship situation. But we both know I get what I want. So please, let me show you. Let me show you what you deserve," he pleads.

I don't know when I started crying, or for how long. I only notice as he brushes his thumb across my left cheek to wipe it away. His eyes, they are so sad. They are sad for me. In that moment I realize, as hard as it is, I believe him. I believe his intentions are true. He really has nothing to gain from this, does he? But he has no idea what I am. I am broken. Truth be told, I've been broken for years. I put band aids over my open wounds in hopes to find some normalcy, some band aids longer than others. But at my core, I am broken beyond repair.

"Look at me. I'm a mess. I'll never be good enough. I'll never be smart enough. I'll never be pretty enough. You don't deserve someone like me. You deserve far better. You deserve someone confident, who holds themselves in high regards. Not me. I'm not good for you. And this will end, like everything does and I will be broken more than i already am. Neither of us needs that," I tell him.

I need him to understand that there is so much more. More that we can never know. That I can never verbalize. But he does not need to be a part of me. Look at what just happened with Jose. I loved him and gave him everything I had and it was still not enough. He has to understand there is no positive outcome with us. Although saying those words out loud is not easy, I needed to. I haven't said or had those thoughts in quite some time. I finally thought I was healing. I finally saw a future, one with Jose. I finally thought I was over the pain of my past. Jose was my future. I found a great deal of peace in that. When I met him I really felt he was different, that we were different. My future was so much more because of him. But he just happened to be a band aid that lasted far longer than the others.

So here I am again… Self-loathing and feeling beyond worthless. My pain and loneliness goes so much deeper than anyone knows. I mask it well. I always have. If I don't, people will question me. They will ask me. And I will never be prepared to open those wounds again. I can't, not for anyone. I'm hard enough to love as it is. Throw in everything else and I'm not worth it. I know that. My eyes are starting to hurt. I can feel him staring at me, urging me silently to go on. He wants me to say more. But I can't. It's too much for me right now. And this is the reason he should want nothing to do w me. I hope he realizes I'm saving him. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth loving. With my head now buried in my hands I continue...

"You don't know me. It's better that way Christian. I am so much work, and without going into it. I am so damaged. All I know is pain. You have a good life. You can have anyone in the entire world. Don't waste your time with me. I'm not worth it," I tell him.

And with a deep sigh he asks, "Can I talk now? Do I get the opportunity to rebut? I don't know who in your life hurt you to the point that you not only can say these things about yourself, but you believe them. It's beyond me. I am no doctor, but I have seen enough shrinks in my day to deduce this stems far beyond your breakup of a relationship you have been in for one years' time. You're right Anastasia, I don't know you. But let's be clear, you don't know me either. You are not like everyone else. I saw it from the moment you ran into me. But Ana, I don't want everyone else. I want to know you. You're damaged, that's clear. But here's the thing, so am I. And maybe my broken saw yours and that is why we are here now. Ana, I don't want to fix you. I want to change you. I want to change your perception of yourself, change your perception of relationships, and change your perception of life and those who want to be in yours. Not everything has to hurt. Not everything has to be tortuous. Sometimes good things and people happen when you least expect it. So you can try and revert to your shell and push me away. You can tell me how much you're not worth it. But I plan on spending as long as you allow me showing you how worth it you are."

At some point, he moved to the floor to kneel in directly in front of me. Very carefully and with much trepidation he cups my head from my hands. My face is now tear-stained and still moist as they have never stopped falling. He lifts my head and stares into what feels like my soul. Desperately searching my eyes for something in me, I'm not quite sure what. And without notice, he kisses me.

This isn't any kiss. My lips feel as though they melt into his. As if they were made for his. My head feels wrong because I am hours out of a relationship. But this feels right. He feels right. For the first time in my life I feel something I have not felt since I was a small child; peace. This makes sense. He makes sense. He pulls away; far too quickly in my opinion. He continues to wipe the tears that have continued to fall. Again, searching my eyes for what I think is approval this time. I have to say something.

"There is so much more, Christian. I don't know when, or if I can ever tell you. This is who I am. I am not self-loathing. This is who I am," I tell him.

He begins to return to his seat. Never taking his hand from mine, he turns to me and says, "I know Ana. And when you are ready, we will talk. But now you should sleep. This has been an extremely long day, for both of us. I'll wake you when we land," he says. With that, I close my eyes on what has now become the longest day ever and drift off.

**_Christian's POV_**

As I sit here and watch her sleep, my mind begins to wander. As I look down at her, I begin to wonder how I am even capable of what I am asking of her. I myself am I mess. I have yet to ever entertain any type of conventional relationship. Any thought I had of bringing her into the lifestyle has been obliterated by this last conversation. Although she has not said it, I can tell by the way her body reacts to touch, someone hurt her. Not emotionally, but physically. I know that flinch, I do it myself. My personal relationships are never work, they are contractual. So this will be a first. I don't know what I am doing here, but I have quickly realized that this has to be different. I have to be different.

As I attempt to adjust to get in a more comfortable position, Ana moves as well. When she moves, her over-sized sweater moves a bit and something catches my eye. I ever so carefully pull it back a bit more to reveal these very subtle scars, all healed...what looks like may have been years. But they are there as faint as they are. There are dozens of them. Her beautiful alabaster skin has damaged by razors she used to numb her pain. My heart breaks a little more. At first, I thought she was being a bit dramatic considering how recent her break up is. The horrible things she said about herself, she couldn't possibly believe. But I am quickly realizing, she more than believes it. She wasn't trying to save herself from me. She was trying to save me from her. Because she really does not think she is good enough for me or anyone else. She has no idea how wrong she is.

I also realize, hearts and flowers will never be enough for Ana. Though she does deserve them, there is so much more that she needs. Truth be told, I should be running as fast and far as I can in the other direction. Common sense says this will only end badly. She is emotionally destroyed and clearly has never sought help for it. But even 5 hours in, I couldn't walk away from her if I wanted. It has nothing to do with saving her. Nothing to do with fixing her, I am not a knight in shining armor by any means. Probably the complete opposite if we are being honest. But I want her. In fact, I think I might need her in my life. I am not sure in what capacity it will work. But she has to be in it. And though she deserves so much more than heart and flowers...we're going to just start there.

With my wheels now spinning at full capacity I shoot off my first text.

_Andrea, I need you help with a couple things ASAP. First, confirm where Anastasia Steele is staying. I need you to re-book me a there. I don't care what type of room. I will be staying there the duration of my trip. I also need you to find a florist. One that is open now. I know it's late, but there's got to be someone who can come through. Find her room she will be booked in and I want every surface filled with roses. An obscene amount. Please confirm when this is done."_

_Mr. Grey, I will revert when this is completed._

_Thank you Andrea. I also need a new phone delivered to her room as well. I will contact you at a later time with the phone number to set it up._

_Yes sir. I will get this completed to. Anything else you need tonight?_

_No that will be all._

_Great, I have sent you the room confirmation for yourself and Taylor and have located a florist._

The next one is to Caroline Acton, my stylist who is already out there for my charity event.

_Caroline, I will be bringing a date to the fundraiser Sunday. However, she will not have anything to wear as it is short notice. I'm going to guess she is a 6, maybe a bit smaller. I will confirm tomorrow. Please bring only long sleeve gowns and as many options as you can get your hands on. Thank you._

_Yes, Mr. Grey. Any color preference? I can bring the dresses to your room tomorrow. Let me know when you would like me there. _

_I'll get back to you on that. Thank you. Talk soon._

I'm going on a major limb here. I'm half expecting her to wake up and shut everything down. But contrary to her belief, she is worth the risk and so much more. As the wheels hit the runway, I see her body tense and I know she is waking. She looks at me. Eyes glazed over, slightly confused. But her lips begin to curl in a smile, and her eyes look the brightest I have seen since I met her. She has realized where she is and if I'm not mistaken, she looks happy about it.

Still trying to get fully focused on her surroundings she rests her head on my shoulder as she hooks her left arm into my right. With her head still placed on my shoulder she looks up to me. "Thank you. I don't know why you're here. Or what you want, but at least for today. Thank you," she tells me. Without another word, she gazes out the window and I desperately wonder what she is thinking in this moment. As she nudges into my arm a little deeper, holding it a little tighter. I realize, this woman can be the death of me at this very moment and I would die a happy man a thousand times over.


	6. Chapter 6

7.

As I begin to wake up from what feels like an eternity. I start to realize where I am. Christian kissed me. I did not dream that. I know I didn't because I do not dream. I only have nightmares. An after effect of the PTSD they say. So it really happened. I do realize how wrong this is. There are infinite levels of how wrong this is. It hasn't even been a full 24 hours that I have been single. In some way or form Christian is essentially my boss. Along with the legalities regarding my contracts between my employer that I have obliterated, my moral compass is pointing all the way south. Truth be told, I am not bound or accountable to any man at this moment. Regardless my conscience is knocking on my soul.

As I really begin to wrap my head around what has transpired over the last few hours and what's next. I look up at him. I have felt him staring at me from the moment I gained consciousness. As I stare into his dark gray eyes for what feels like an eternity I can't help but want to be closer to him than I am at this moment. Although this is a completely foreign feeling to me, it is also very welcomed. With that, I close what little distance between us by locking my arm into his and resting my head on his shoulder. As he places his head on top of mine I can feel him smile against me. I look out the window as we are getting close to the landing strip and I wonder how everything is so different in a matter of hours. How I would have never imagined I would be right here, right now. How there is nowhere else in this moment I would rather be than with my arm in his. I feel peace.

As the wheels hit the asphalt I am quickly jolted out of this fog I was in. I am playing with fire. Of this I know. Not only is fraternization at my level grounds for instant termination with anyone within my company. But to be engaging with our biggest client by a landslide would be career suicide. Not only within my company but the industry. _What are you doing Steele? This is not worth it._

I have lived by rules all my life; always say please and thank you, respect your elders, never kiss your bosses bosses bosses boss. I am fully aware of my colleague's perception of me. Young, wildly green, pretty (as they say) girl. For these reasons, I have made it a point to not form personal relationships with anyone inside the workplace. I humor them with the occasional RSVP for a party or drink after work. But I always conveniently make an excuse to bow out last minute. I have been dubbed, "the ice queen". Not my proudest title but my career is my life. It is mine. It is all I have. I worked my ass off for it. A superficial "work friend" will never be worth it to me.

Yes I went to college; yes I know what I am doing. I am really, really good at my job. That is the one thing no one can take from me. I do my job, and I do it well. I am unapologetic of my merits. Did my face get me in the door? Yes. Have a proved my worth? Undoubtedly so. Regardless of any of that. One picture of Christian and I and my entire career is over. Because if I have learned anything in this world. Perception is everything. Fuck the truth. That doesn't matter. To make matters worse I am in a predominantly male driven industry. So where most have to do the bare minimum to get respect, I put in 14 hour days. 6 days a week, sometimes 7. I essentially created to entire contract for Grey Enterprises. Would you know that? Nope. So whatever this is that I am doing can ruin everything I have worked so damn hard for. The most pathetic part is. In this moment there is no part of me that cares about any of that.

Truth be told this is not my dream career. I chose the safe career. You know, when those colleges and recruiters come and they give you those "what should I be when I grow up" personality tests. That is what I went with. I do safe. Safe keeps me grounded. Safe keeps me well, safe. Yes I enjoy what I do, but my heart has always been resting between the pages of books. Working in publishing was my dream career. However, I knew that industry was not only insanely hard to break into, but with all the digital publishing companies now, they are dying by the second. It's devastating actually. Because books, fiction, fairy tales was my solace. Those stories I would read over and over were my escape from my head. They were all I had. So in a perfect world that is where I would be. But my world is far from perfect.

As the lights for the seat belt go off and we are preparing to exit Christian stands and puts out his hand for mine.

"A penny for your thoughts Miss Steele?" Christian asks.

_The truth is my thoughts are all over the place._

"My head is not a place one should want to frequent Mr. Grey," I reply.

He abruptly stops us in our tracks and pulls me off to the side of the plane. I don't think I realized till right now how statuesque he is. He really is beautiful. It still begs to be seen what he could possible see in me. "Oh Ana you have no idea what I want. I want to frequent that perfect mind of yours." He says as he places a light kiss on my forehead. "I want to engulf and mend this," he tells me, as he places his hand over my heart.

"I want to know everything about you Ana; the good, the bad, the ugly. I want to know all of it. Learning every piece of you is about to be my new favorite pastime. I always wondered when we would sit in those meetings why this breathtakingly gorgeous girl with the most beautiful body would always cover everything up. I equated it to you wanting you male counterparts to pay attention to your skill, not your body. But tonight I realized it was for a whole other reason entirely. You are beautiful Anastasia. Even with your scars and all, you are. Whatever you have been through didn't win. You are here now. You are strong, amazing, and worth so much more than you believe. So even those dark places you think no one should want to frequent. It is now my life's mission to make those dark corners my home. You can push all you want. I am fully expecting that from you. But I don't give a shit. Because I will push back. And from where I standing, I think I'm a bit stronger," he says.

I can't even form words to respond to that. I don't even know where to start. How did he notice them? Did he touch them? Did he see the extent? I suddenly feel scared, petrified in fact. I want to cry but the tears won't come out because I can't breathe. I can't fucking breathe. Everything feels as though it's closing in. I need air and now. "I'm sorry," I say as I pull myself from his arms.

I don't bother with my luggage. My only concern is getting as far away from Christian as I can. I cannot begin to explain the scars to him. I can't begin to explain my life to this man. When I finally reach the doors and push them open as if my life depends on it I can feel the air filling my lungs. I find the nearest wall and lean into it to help with my balance. As a recount the words that he just said it becomes inherently clear; I have to end this. Never mind my job, the stigma, Jose…My concern is him and his heart. He is good. He is so good. He doesn't deserve someone like me. He deserves so much better. I am toxic. I ruin everything I love. I won't ruin him.

As with every time he has been in my vicinity, I can feel him before I see him. I can feel him directly behind me. His breathing is slowed. I know he is apprehensive and unsure of what to do next. I know this, because I experience this in every relationship. It's a pattern with me. I run, they follow, I warn, they pursue only to realize this is not a game. This is who I am. I am not the affectionate, doting girlfriend. I am the despondent, insecure girlfriend who will never be enough. I want to badly for normalcy, for a genuine commitment where I can trust someone completely. Where I completely trust their intentions are good. But I am broken, as much as I hate that term, it's who I am. I mask it well. But those who know me know that is not the case.

"What the hell was that?" He asks.

"This is not a good idea Christian. You and I both know that. Aside from the professional aspect…You saw the scars. Let that be your warning. I am not good. I am not good for you. You are you. You are Christian Grey. You deserve a bombshell trophy on your arm. You deserve so much more. Aside from that, you are my bosses bosses boss. This is inappropriate on every level for the both of us. In addition, it will cost me my entire career. This is all I have. I can't lose this," I plead.

As he walks around, he is now standing directly in front of me. I find it increasingly hard to focus with the lack of space between us. I am doing this for him. He has to know that. This will not end well, both professionally and personally. "First, fuck whatever moral laws you think govern our personal life in your professional. I'll buy your company and bankrupt it before I allow anyone to do anything to destroy your reputation. You are invaluable to both my company and yours," he says. "Second, yes it is true…You are not the "bombshell trophy" as you call in Ana. You are the total fucking package. You don't realize that yet. But you will. It's late though, and we're both tired. Let's discuss this more tomorrow. Come, I'll take you to your hotel."

At some point during our drive, I realize that he is holding my hand. I don't know when his hand found its way in mine. But I begin to realize, I like it there. There is something about this man that has me completely enamored. I have always been different. But I don't feel different with him. I feel like he sees me. He sees who I am, and he wants me anyway. I have spent my whole life hiding. But maybe, just maybe…I don't have to hide anymore. Or maybe this is the lack of sleep. Either way, this feeling is not only foreign, but extremely petrifying.

"Christian, thank you again…For everything. I could not have made it through this day without you," I say to him as I get out of the SUV. I feel him getting out behind me.

"You are most welcome Ana. I have never been so happy for someone to invade my personal space."

As we make our way to the entrance of the hotel, he stops us both in our tracks.

"I know it is hard for you to believe my intentions for you, for us are good Ana. But please, give me the chance to prove to you that they are. I have never met anyone like you Anastasia. And I want to know more. I want to know everything. I want to make you mine," he begs.

And just then, he grabs the back of my neck and pulls me in to kiss me. He kisses me deeply, passionately. He is kissing me as if this will be the last kiss we will ever share. As I get lost in this kiss, in this man's arms, I know that this kiss…This kiss and this man can potentially change everything for me. He may change me.

Walking to my room, my head is flooded with so many thoughts. Thoughts of Jose, thoughts of the repercussions of a relationship with Christian, just thoughts of Christian in general. As I open the door to my room I am immediately overwhelmed by the scent of roses. As I make my way in I realize they are everywhere. Every nightstand, crescendo, table, counter space is covered. I don't know when or how he did this, but I know this is Christians doing. They're beautiful. I notice on one of the tables there is a card that says "answer me". Just then, a cell phone rings. I don't recognize the number but I know who it is.

"I don't know how you did this or when. It's borderline creepy and stalkerish. But they are beautiful. Thank you Christian," I say.

"Oh Ana, you have no idea the stalking I am capable of. Creepy is an understatement. But you are most welcome. For the sake of being corny, they pale in comparison to your beauty," he sighs.

_**Christian's POV**_

I exercise control is all aspects of my life. Until today that is. Before today, I was the master of my own universe. I controlled every aspect and every person who entered my life. Aside from my family, each and every one was under a contractual obligation to satisfy my needs; whether it is professional or personal. Regarding my personal life, I require a specific set of prerequisites for the women whom I spend my time with. The type of relationship I demand is so particular that I require an non disclosure agreement before we even discuss a future. If the world were to know I am a dominant, they would never understand. I would be ridiculed, chastised. I would lose it all. Never mind all that, what would my family think? What would they say? This may be the piece of me that sends them over the edge.

That said, to say what I am doing with Ana goes against everything I am and everything I know is an understatement. But here I am, pining after a woman hours out of a relationship. I am sending a woman flowers who on some level, I employ. The more I begin to reflect on today, the more anxious I get. Since this afternoon, there has been no uniform, no organization, and no contracts. It has been me, just winging it with a girl who doesn't even remotely fit into the lifestyle I am accustomed to. Sure Ana is my physical requirements, to a T. But a submissive, she is not.

She is right though. Intertwining her personal and professional life would essentially ruin her career. It's different for women. As progressive as the professional world has come over the years, we are still not entirely there yet. So I understand her trepidation. It pisses me off. I want her. I don't want her career to stand in the way of knowing her. And if I know her like I think I do, (courtesy of the background checks that were completed prior to the transition to her company) then I don't stand a chance. However, I do not do well with no and I am known to get what I want. Anastasia Steele will be no different in that respect. I was not kidding. If anyone gives her one ounce of shit, I will buy that company and bankrupt it and not give it a second thought.

It's late, I shouldn't call again. She has had an emotionally exhausting day. For more reasons than one. But I need to talk to her. I need to hear her voice. Just one more time.

"Christian?"

"Hi. Were you sleeping?"

"No I wasn't, not really. Is everything alright?"

"Everything is fine. I just…I just wanted to hear your voice. I know it doesn't seem like it. But this is all new to me as well. And I am not entirely sure how to navigate it. But I want to. I want to with you."

_I can hear her smile through the phone. Finally..._

"I think I do too Christian. I just...I just need you to please be patient with me. This is so much, so fast and I need to make sense of it all."

"Have breakfast with me in the morning please? I will have breakfast ready in my room around 9."

"That sounds perfect. I would like that. Sleep well Christian."


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry guys for the delay. All other chapters have been written for months and I need time to gather my thoughts and see where I wanted to take this. I hope you love it. Well, at least not hate it…

It's nearly 4 am when I am awoken from one of my reoccurring nightmares. Considering the time, it would be an idle attempt to fall back asleep. As I sleepily make my way out of bed to grab some water. I decide heading down to the gym would be the best idea at this point. This will give me a few hours before breakfast with Christian to gather my thoughts.

"Well good morning Miss Steele. What brings you here so early?"

There he is, in all of his sweaty glory. Is there ever a point where he doesn't look beautiful?

"Mr. Grey, good morning. I couldn't sleep. I am not much of a sleeper. I figured I would use my time to be productive rather than lay in bed staring off into the abyss. What are you doing down here so early."

"I as well have issues with sleeping. Seems you and I have something in common. Anyway, would you like to join me?"

"I would love that actually. But do you mind if we go for a jog. I could use the fresh air."

As we make our way through the hotel, I find myself mesmerized by this man. Not because of his looks. But I am starting to see he is so much more than the stone faced mogul I have known him to be in recent months. Just as I am in the midst of my day dream, I am quickly jolted out as Christian stops us both in our tracks. "Ana, it's still really dark out. I am not entirely comfortable with jogging in an area neither of us knows. But I have alerted Taylor of our jog, and he will be following. But not too close behind. It is imperative you stay with me. So if my pace is too much, you need to tell me. We will slow down. I just need to make sure you are safe. Ok?" he pleads. His tone changed when he asked this of me. I can tell he's worried. But of what, I have no idea. I am also slightly comforted by the fact that he wants to keep me safe. "Change your pace for me? Oh Mr. Grey, I think you may have the problem keeping up with me!" I say playfully as I run out in front of him out of the doors of the hotel.

As we jog side by side, each matching each other pace, I realize how nice this is. I don't feel the need to look over my shoulder as I always do. I know as long as he is by my side, I am safe. I am protected. And although this may only be a short few minutes that I feel this peace. I will take comfort in knowing it exists. As we reach the two mile mark, I can tell we are both getting a bit winded. Truth be told, I am starting to feel it. But my pride and competitive spirit would have never let that show. Christian grabs my arm alerting me it is time to slow it down. Even though I know it's just he and I, I had my normal reaction to someone touching me unexpectedly; which is to jump and pull away. I instantly feel embarrassed and regretful.

"Woah, Ana it's just me. Are you ok?" He asks nervously.

"Yes, I am so sorry. I just...It's a thing. It's not you, it's very much me. I am so sorry."

"Care to elaborate? You would have thought I was attacking you."

"Honestly, no. Not today. I have a long day ahead and this has been such a nice start to the morning. I would rather not ruin it with my shit."

"Nothing about you or your past would ruin anything. Not for me Ana. You'll understand soon enough."

He says that now. But if he knew… If he only knew.

"Can we just drop it for now please? We should probably start heading back. I would like to shower before we have breakfast, if that is alright?"

I fully expected this to turn into a fight. I didn't expect him to drop it so easily. I've had this conversation more times than I can admit. It never ends well. Even Jose pushed me to a point where I felt forced so show my soul far before I was ready. I always held resentment for that. Admittedly, I would never willingly speak about my past. But being pressured into it leads to a lot of ill feelings for the one pushing. I look to Christian, and now it is my turn to stop him in his tracks. "Thank you Christian for not pushing this. I know how frustrating it can be. I really do. But I just have to do things on my own time. The last day or so has been nothing short of insane and I am feeling so overwhelmed. So thank you for not making this one more thing I need to worry about," I tell him thoughtfully. "You never have to thank me for something like this Ana. I understand guarded. I understand walls. We'll get there, when you're ready. Just don't shut me out, please. Take your time. But just don't do that," He pleads.

I look up and smile at him; silently promising him that I am still present. "I am going to kiss you now. It is okay for me to kiss you still, right?" He asks jokingly. I respond with a playful smirk and shrug of my shoulders. Without another minute he takes me in his arms and kisses me. As I allow myself to relax against his body I position my hands to be on his chest. Without stopping our kiss he attempts to inconspicuously move my hands to his shoulders. _Oh, he has boundaries too._ My subconscious tells me. But I don't give it much thought. He can move my hands where ever he needs to. So long as I get to remain in his arms and in this kiss.

As we walk back to the hotel hand in hand. I start to feel a bit restless. I realize that in a few moments I will have to leave Christian to get ready, and I am realizing I really don't want to.

"Ana, what is it?"

"Nothing, it's silly."

"It's just that…When we get back to the hotel, we will go our separate ways. I understand it's for a short time. But I am realizing I am not too fond of leaving you."

"I haven't wanted to leave you since the moment you knocked me over Ana. So I understand completely. "

"Is this even normal Christian? Do you just meet someone, and all of a sudden you want all your time with them?"

"I am not the right person to answer that. I wouldn't know."

"What exactly does that mean?"

"What that means is there are some things that I would like to discuss with you and explain to you tonight at dinner."

"Or breakfast. You are not going to make me wait all day after a statement like that. Not going to happen."

"Fair enough Miss Steele. Breakfast it is. Now go and get ready and hurry back to me. I am in room 403. Just come up whenever you are ready."

He gives me a swift kiss on my forehead before leaving me at the door to my room. As I start the shower and make my way to get in. I am quickly shaken out of my Christian Coma with the ringing of my phone. "Jose?" I question. Realizing it is around 4:00 am in Seattle. I hear him sigh.

"Ana, let me talk. Let me say my piece before you interject. I know you always have an answer for everything, so please. Let me get this out. I love you. I love you completely. But I was selfish. I wanted more. I wanted more from you that you were not capable of, that you were not ready for. But I thought if I pushed you…If I challenged you, that you would push back. I thought you would fight and finally let down your impenetrable walls. I never thought I would actually lose you. I never imagined we would be here. So I fucked up. I cannot lose you Ana. You are my everything, and I know you love me. So tell me, what can I do to fix this? Please, this cannot be the end."

We sit in silence for what feels like an eternity. I am trying to gather the words to say to him. Truth be told, I do love him. He really is my first love. "Jose, I love you. You are so incredibly special and important to me. You gave me hope for a life that I never thought would exist in my world. But maybe that's what our relationship was meant to be. To show us that "more" is possible. You deserve so much. You deserve someone who will always be present in your relationship. You deserve someone who is unapologetic-ally obsessed with you. You deserve vulnerability always. But Jose, that can't be me. I am not that girl. I am not capable of that. And I would be doing us both a disservice to say I can. You pulled away, because you knew you had to," I tell him, fighting back the tears that will flood my eyes at any moment.

"You are wrong Ana. You are wrong about us. I will make it my life's mission to show you how wrong you are. Good bye Ana," he says and hangs up without giving me a chance to rebut.

As I push the number 4 button on the elevator, I begin to feel this nervous pit in my stomach. _Butterflies Ana, those are butterflies._ My subconscious tells me. Yes, Christian is giving me butterflies. As I arrive at his door I realize he is standing in the doorframe flashing his megawatt Christian Grey perfect smile, complete with his freshly washed tousled copper locks. Damn, he smells good. "Miss Steele, that took far longer than I was hoping," he teases. "Why Mr. Grey, if I didn't know any better, I would say someone missed me," I say with a smile. "That's very perceptive of you Miss Steele. You're not wrong," he says.

As he guides me into his room, I quickly realize there is no breakfast a laid out. The only items on the table are 2 envelopes labeled 1 and 2. A bit confused, I look up at Christian willing him to explain.

"Let me preface this conversation with telling you that you can leave at any time. I don't want you to. God, I don't want you to. But I fully understand and will accept what you choose to do after you read what is in those envelopes. So please, take a seat and open this one," he says with hesitation.

Christian pulls his chair around so that he is sitting next to me, shoulder to shoulder. As I pull out the first packet I can I quickly realize the first set of papers is an NDA; which is confusing even more because I already signed one during the on boarding of his company. I can feel him tense up next to me. "Christian, I have already signed one of these. Help me understand why this is here," I say. "I am not asking you to sign this. I am showing you these and then hopefully you will allow me to explain. Now please turn to the first page."

The enclosed non-disclosure agreement shall be between (name of person receiving the information, Submissive and Christian Trevelyan Grey, Dominant. This agreement is in consideration of entering into a BDSM with Christian Trevelyan Grey, Dominant.

_What. The. Fuck._

I look up at him in horror. He slumps over, defeated. I have never seen him look so pitiful. I didn't even know he was capable. "What is this Christian? You're a fucking dominant?! And what is in the other envelope? Is it a contract with you limits and all that bullshit? Oh my god, are you courting me to be a submissive?" I ask. I can see the color drain from his body. I don't even know what to say. This connection we felt was not real. It was all leading to this. I cannot believe I am so stupid. Girls like me don't get men like him, I wasn't wrong. He is sitting there in silence. I can tell he wants to speak, but he won't. I don't know what reaction he was expecting. But I don't think this was it.

"Please, say something. The silent treatment is not ideal in this moment," I beg him.

"I did not bring you here to sign a contract. I do not see you as a submissive Ana. Nor is that what I want for us. But when I told you that I was not the right person to ask, this was the reason. Because those contracts are all I know. I have never been part of a "normal" relationship. Nor have I ever had any desire to entertain one. Not until you that is. You petrify me, because I am so far out of my league and comfort zone with you it is debilitating. We all have secrets Ana. And you are now privy to one of my biggest. Within those pages, you have the capability to destroy me. I hope you understand what that means to me. What you mean to me."

"I don't even know what to say. I have to go. I'm sorry Christian. I need some time."

"Ana, please. Don't leave. Tell me what you are thinking. Do not leave me."

"I have no idea what I am thinking. But I cannot do it while you are looking at me with those eyes."

When I make it to the door, I realize he deserves more than me running. But that is what I do. I run. Truth be told there is a magnet between us making it extremely difficult to open the door. But my thoughts are all over the place and I need to process this on my own. With one more look back, the man who opened the door is gone and in front of me is now a lost little boy.

"I am so sorry," I say as I close the door.

_**Christian's POV:**_

"Christian, darling…How are things in Austin? I trust the benefit is coming together?"

"Elena, what are you doing up so early? Everything is going well."

"I haven't heard from you regarding the portfolios I sent over weeks ago."

"Yes, thank you. However, I will not be going forward with those prospects."

"Oh? Would you like me to get together some additional candidates?"

"No Elena that will not be necessary. I have actually met someone."

"You found a submissive of your own? Where?"

"She is not a submissive. We will talk more about this later. I have to go."

As I sit here pacing back and forth never taking my eyes off the packets lying on the table, I start to question what I am doing. Within those envelopes are documents that can ruin me both professionally and personally. Ana can open those and never speak to me again. I can lose her. Am I doing the right thing? Yes, I have to believe that. I need her to realize that I want so much more from her than that life. I need her to realize we all have scars and secrets and this is the first step in showing that to her.

"Sir, Miss Steele is on her way up," Taylor advises.

Impatiently I wait against the door frame for the elevator to open. This could be the last time I am ever in the same room with her. _And you would deserve it Grey. She should run as far away from you in the opposite direction if she had any sense._

When she begins to realize what she is reading, I can see her face contort. She is disgusted with me. I am disgusted with myself. I want so badly to explain, to justify the monster I am. But the words will not come out. I am losing her.

I lamely attempt to explain what this is and why I am showing this to her, I can feel her entire body tighten against me. Whatever wall I had worked at breaking down was fully erected due to these pages lying between us. It's not working. I have lost her. Watching her walk to the door, my brain is pleading with my body to get up, to chase her. But I am frozen. I can barely comprehend what she is saying as she walks out the door. I pathetically respond in my last ditch effort to get her to stay. She's gone. What the fuck did I just do?


	8. Chapter 8

_**Hi! Short chapter and just Ana's POV. I am setting it up for this dinner. Fair warning guys, it's going to get real heavy, real fast. I will explain more before you read the next chapter. And thank you guys for your kind words!**_

I know I shouldn't have walked out. I know I should have heard him out. But he literally is everything I hate in men. He finds pleasure in physically abusing women. How can I ever accept that is who he is? And furthermore, if this is all he knows, how is he sure that he can give that up? We all have secrets; I have yet to divulge any of mine. Sure he has seen the scars but this doesn't even come close to even touch the surface. But he hits women for pleasure. But my demons are horrible too. _But yours were necessary. You made the decisions you did to survive._ My subconscious reminds me. I wince at the thought of what he has done in his past. But that's not what he wants anymore, and I have to trust that is true. As I leave to head out to the office, I don't want to leave him full of anxiety. I can only imagine how he is feeling in this moment. I decide to send him a text.

_-I am sorry I ran out like that. I just wasn't anticipating that. I needed a moment to myself to process. And I am ready to hear more, if you are willing. At dinner we can talk more. I am here Christian. I am not going anywhere._

_-I thought you were gone Ana. I thought you were done. Yes, dinner. I will tell you whatever you want. I will pick you up from your room at 7._

_-That's perfect. I can't wait to see you._

_-Thank you for not giving up on me. Till then, Miss Steele._

The day drags on. Meeting after meeting. Call after call. I have the team in line for Christian's benefit tomorrow. We have confirmed all major media outlets will be in attendance and given the team their designations and responsibilities to ensure this goes off without a hitch. After the last few days, it feels good to be back in my element. I finally feel the control I was so desperately lacking. I missed this.

"Ana, how's it going down there? You have everything situated for Christian McGorgeous' little dinner?" Lauren says with a laugh.

"Yes boss, we are all squared away down here. The build out for his company's personal system is a bit more challenging. But I have our IT working closely with his team and I trust we will have it sorted out in the next day or so."

"What would we do without you? Seriously though, that is not why I called. How did you get out there yesterday? I did not have anything come across my desk for the rescheduled flight?"

Oh, shit.

"Well, Christian actually got a ticket for me on his flight once he realized I had missed mine."

"He did, did he? And how did that go?"

"So, for the sake of full disclosure and you know I trust you with everything. Um…We are going on a date tonight."

"ANASTASIA STEELE! What in the fuck are you thinking?!Wait, Jose is okay with this?"

I now have removed the phone from my ear, unsure if my hearing is still intact. I half expected this.

"Lauren, I know. Trust me, I know. But I am doing this. And if it goes beyond this first date, I will report it to human resources. Jose and I…We…We broke up yesterday."

"Ana you know what is at stake here. I get it he's a billionaire gorgeous perfect specimen. But this is your career. You have worked so hard for this. You have earned this. Are you really willing to throw it away for a few dates?"

"I don't know Lauren; I guess I will let you know after tonight. But I need to head out. I will not be at the benefit, but I will be available by cell to assist. Have a good night, and we will talk tomorrow. Oh, and have a drink or 6. You need it."

Making my way back to my room, I decide to take a bit of a detour. I know I will see Christian in a few hours. But I need to see him now. I need to reassure him that after this morning, we will be okay. As patient as he has been with my neurosis, he deserves that.

After knocking a couple times, I realize that he must not be back from handling his business for the benefit. Bummed a bit, I make my way back to the elevator. _You'll see him in a few hours. Calm down._ My subconscious chides.

"Ana!"

I turn around, and there he is. He's still dripping wet wearing nothing but a crisp white towel. Damn, he's a god. Walking back to him, those butterflies are present as ever. I can really get used to this feeling. But I notice something; his beautiful body is riddled with tiny little scars. If I am not mistaken, they may be cigarette burns. Where did those come from? Is this why he moved my hands this morning?

"Hi," I say shyly. Worried he may be upset with my impromptu visit. "Hi," He says with a smile. "I'm sorry for just coming up here unannounced. After this morning, I thought about you all day. And I just needed to see you," I tell him. He takes me hand and guides me into his room. My eyes immediately fixate on the table where the envelopes were this morning. "They are gone Ana. We have no use for them. However, if you want to see them and explore them further I will get your copies," he says. "No, I think I am crystal clear on what those are and what they represent. I don't think I need to see them again. But seriously, sit down please," I tell him.

Once he Christian is seated. I make my way to his lap. Because right now, I need to be as close to him as humanly possible. I feel him relax as he wraps his arms around me. I take his face in my hands. "Christian, I saw your face when I opened those envelopes. You were disgusted, with yourself. I know that look. But please hear me when I say, you are a good man. You are an amazing man. Look at me, I am a wreck. But you continue to be patient with me and I am so grateful for that, and you. Do not be ashamed of how you found your happiness, or pleasure. Your submissive's were willing participants, fully aware of what they were doing and the basis of your relationship. I know I said it, but I am sorry I ran off. I just wasn't expecting that. But you deserved so much more than for me to run. I am not, nor would I ever judge you," I tell him. Before he has a chance to respond, I kiss him.

"The thought of you leaving me Ana, even after this short time seemed like a nightmare. I would have deserved it."

"But you don't. You deserved for me to allow you to explain. I know that. But we are done with this. But just so we are clear; I am no submissive and you have not lost me. Now I need to go and get ready. I happen to have a hot date tonight," I say with a wink.

"Is that so Miss Steele? Well I would hate to make you late for said date. And thank you for explaining this morning. Now hurry up, your suitor is a rather impatient man."

While I shower, I recount the events from this morning. I realize what a limb he went out on in divulging his proclivity to that lifestyle. He trusts me and that means everything to me. But the question is, do I trust him in the same way? Sure, he has some different sexual desires. But what will he think about me when he knows the truth? He will really know how damaged and fucked I am, inside and out. Am I ready to let someone else in? Sure Jose knew, because we shared a bed. And Kate knew, because she was my roommate. But am I ready to let a man I barely know in like that?

Realizing I have taken far longer in the shower than anticipated I get ready in record time. Tonight I have chosen a long sleeved black jersey midi and some booties. I am not sure exactly where we are going, so this seemed like a happy medium. I hope. Before I get a minute to pick apart my outfit, there is a knock on the door.

"Miss Steele, are you ready for you last first date?"

"Mr. Grey...I don't think I have ever been more ready."


	9. Chapter 9

Full disclosure: This chapter is hard. Really hard. If you are a victim of sexual abuse or have any issues with it. Please do not go forward. If you read it, and need need help processing through, reach out to me. I knew this chapter was coming. I did not realize it would manifest the way it did. Thus the reason for the delay. It was extremely painful to write. So please, this has some very strong sexual abuse topics. It is heavy. You have been warned.

* * *

The ride over to the restaurant was perfect. We sat in comfortable silence, just enjoying one another's company. All tension and concerns with this morning forgotten. What Christian did this morning was incredibly brave of him to share. But it does leave me with questions. How does one even end up in a lifestyle such as that? What brought him to that dark place? I am beginning to realize there is so much more to Christian than meets the eye. Do his sexual preferences scare me? Absolutely. What if he needs this to be happy? I can never be that girl. I can never allow someone to sexually assault me for their own pleasure.

At some point during the drive, I realize that he deserves to some explanation as to what and who I am as well. Although it is so incredibly new, I thinks it's time I practice this vulnerability everyone says I lack. But as quickly as I have this epiphany, the darkness rises. What if he is disgusted with me once I tell him? I am damaged, destroyed, far more than he even realizes. But what if he then sees me as fragile or weak? I can't have that. Jose treated me like that. Once told him, everything changed.

"Christian?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Where are we going? This is a dock?"

"I know." He says with a smirk.

Just then, our car comes to a stop. "Taylor, we will be arriving back at 11," he tells Taylor. "Sir." Taylor responds with a quick nod. As he helps me out, he stops us abruptly. "You don't get motion sick, do you?" He asks. I finally realize what we are doing…"No, not at all," I tell him. "Good, let's go," he says. After he speaks to what I am assuming is the captain of the boat, he dismisses him. This leaves me a bit confused as to who will drive the boat if he's gone. He clearly is reading my mind. Before I can question he tells me, "I will be driving the boat. I have been doing this for years. You are safe Ana. Please trust me. I would never let anything happen to you," he tells me. And just like that, any worry I may have begun to have, has all but dissipated.

Lake Travis is beautiful at this time of night. The water is illuminated with the city lights bouncing off of it. The only sound is the small waves left in our wake. With one hand on the wheel, and his other draped over my shoulder, I can't help but pinch myself. I am aboard a beautiful boat, with the most beautiful man who fully accepts me as I am. I've never thought fairy tales existed, but in this moment I am quite sure I am living one.

"Thank you for this Christian. This is amazing, you are amazing."

"You are most welcome Ana. Hungry?"

It only now hits me that I haven't eaten today. With the excitement of this morning, it must have slipped my mind. "I am starving actually. I haven't eaten today," I tell him. "Are you serious? Don't ever do that again! What are you thinking? You're already underweight Ana; you can't afford not to eat," he says. "Yes dad, I apologize. I will make sure to eat 3 meals a day," I say with an eye roll. "I saw that." Damn, he's good.

We sit down to dinner and I quickly realize how much thought and effort was put into this. I am taken aback by this and Christian. It's astonishing that he made something like this happen in such a short amount of time. But then I remember that when you have an exorbitant amount of money, anything is possible I suppose. The thought makes me squirm a bit uncomfortably. I almost forgot I am now sitting across from one of the richest men in the world. This gets my wheels spinning a bit more…

"So I have a question for you. Do you often stay at Marriott's? I wouldn't have pictured that hotel chain as your scene."

"My scene is wherever you are."

"You really are quite the stalker Mr. Grey."

"I prefer the term orchestrated serendipity Miss Steele," he says as he takes my hand and guides me to his lap. As I relax into his lap, I realize for the first time in…well…ever. I don't want to run. I don't have this inherent need to distance myself. I realize I have no only relaxed physically, but emotionally as well. This feels so different. It's as if Christian knows me. He shared something so private, so personal, because he trusts me. In this moment, I know that I need to be honest with him too. Not because I want to lose him, but I need him to understand who I am and why I am like this. He deserves this. He deserves complete transparency.

"I have something I want to show you."

"What is it Ana?"

"I want to show you something too. I hope you don't react the way I did. But I need you to understand, this will change everything. I also need you to promise me that after tonight, we will never speak of it again. This will be our one and only conversation. I do not want to be consumed with this. This is not my life anymore. So promise me, this dies tonight. Please."

"Ana, you are scaring me."

As I reach for my bag, I see him readjust in an idle attempt to calm his mounting nerves. I have never shared these details of my past with anyone willingly. Kate was aware due to being awoken by my incessant nightmares, and Jose knew because I had a manic episode and I couldn't hide it anymore. Both knew the bare minimum; enough to get them to leave me alone. But they didn't know the half of it. Not even close. Although I am petrified of how he will react. Will he leave me? Will he see me for the tainted, ugly, damaged wreck that I am? Or will he try and protect me, or rescue me. I don't want that either. This has taken so much of my life in the last 8 years. I have moved on.

As I pull out the folder I systematically place the newspaper clippings on the table. One by one, a timeline of the loss of my innocence, my body, my soul. As I read each headline as I place it down, I feel the same pain I did on each of these dates. It's almost as if no time has passed at all, and I am that barely 18 year old once again. _No Ana, you are not that girl anymore. That girl died in Las Vegas._

"Whatever happens after this Christian, I not only will accept what you do next, but I fully will understand. Now read this one first please."

_**Substitute English teacher at Las Vegas high arrested for rape of his student.**_

His eyes are five sizes larger after the first headline. His eyes go to the next.

_**Anastasia Lambert named as accuser of popular high school English teacher Jack Hyde.**_

He clenches his jaw at that one. He continues to the third.

_**Jack Hyde denies rape; claims student was obsessed with him after his arrest.**_

He has tears in his eyes as they move to the fourth.

_**Anastasia Lambert is allegedly pregnant with Jack Hyde's baby after alleged rape.**_

He doesn't go on to the fifth.

As he stands to get closer to me, I take a step back. "I need you to say something Christian. I've never shown anyone those articles since I left Las Vegas. I moved to Montesano, I took my stepfather's last name, and that girl died in Las Vegas. So I need to you talk. Because I can't even process what the fuck I just did," I tell him. "Is he still in jail," he asks. "He is, for about 3 more months I believe. He has a parole hearing as from what I understand; he has been a model prisoner. He will make parole," I say. "I see all these newspaper clippings. And I understand what they are saying. But I need you to tell me the real story, everything. Not what shit the media spewed," he asks. Fuck, I wasn't prepared for that. I thought this would suffice. I have never spoken the events of those months in their entirety. Can I even do this? "Alright, but can we move out of this area? I can't look at those anymore tonight."

"Do you really want to hear this Christian? Do you need all the disgusting details surrounding that piece of my life?"

"Yes. And for the record, this changes nothing. Nothing with me, nothing with you, nothing with us."

"Jack Hyde, he was a substitute teacher at our high school. The girls at my school thought he was gorgeous, the guys thought he was their "bro". Whatever the fuck that means. Our English teach went out on a maternity leave so Jack had an extended contract for her leave. He was really great. He was younger, so it was nice that we could relate somewhat to him. It made for a lighter class. It was never weird, he was never inappropriate, I never saw it coming. September 12, was a normal uneventful day. Jack asked me if I could stay after to help him with some grading as he got behind over the weekend due to a cold. I had nothing going on so I agreed. Can I just…I need air Christian."

"Let's go to the deck baby."

He takes my hand, and guides us to the deck. Once we make our way up. He gives me a little space which I am grateful for. Don't run Ana. And with another deep breath, I continue.

"Once I was finished grading, I went to the white board to change some notes for the following day. Before I even realized his hands were moving to various parts of my body. He then started kissing my neck. It was 4:32 p.m. He told me that watching me in class was torture, that he's never wanted anyone so bad. He knew that the way I looked at him, I wanted him too. He said he waited until I was 18 to tell me how he felt so that we could be together with no consequence. I begged him to stop. He wouldn't stop. As he undid my pants, he got angry I was crying. He really didn't understand what he was doing was not consensual. All the girls wanted him, of course I did too. He still didn't stop. So he went from desperate pathetic teacher, to angry aggressive monster. He slammed my face into the white board and ripped my underwear off at the same time. He raped me. It was now 5:08 p.m. In a matter of 36 minutes, he stole my virginity, he stole my innocence, and he stole my soul. As I heard him pull the condom off and the zipper on his pants, I knew the assault was over. I pulled my pants up, got my backpack and walked out."

"Ana, I have no words. Sorry will not even remotely convey what I feel for you right now."

"Let me finish, let me get this out so we can never speak about it again…I drove myself to the hospital. I walk into the ER and told them I was in need of a rape kit. After they were done preforming the rape kit, the police report was next. Once I got home, I told my mother. She was upset I didn't call her first. Never mind the fact that I was just raped. It was only about her, per usual. That night was the first cut. The next day, I went to school. I kept my head down. It was all anyone was talking about. I was quite literally living in fucking purgatory. That night was the second cut. A week later, the article that named me came out. Apparently, one of the nurses received a pretty penny to release my name. Cunt. That was the third cut. Shortly after, we received the results for the rape kit. No DNA from Jack present. Fourth cut. The way they painted me in the media…This mousy high school girl, obsessed with the High School Teacher with model good looks. I was a pariah. It was sickening. I was now in hell. Fifth cut. They put him on administrative leave until the investigation was complete. And just when they were about to close the case with no charges, I missed my period. Sixth fucking cut. I went immediately to the emergency room and they confirmed my greatest fear. I was pregnant by the man who raped me. A monster was growing inside me. I was 18, I was a baby myself. I hadn't even finished high school yet. That very same night, my pregnancy was terminated, and they now had the DNA evidence they needed to charge Jack Hyde. Seventh cut. A week later he was arrested when they DNA results came back, confirming he impregnated me. In the media, my character was assassinated before he was even charged. So I chose not to testify. I could not face him, I couldn't face anyone. Without my testimony, their case got a lot tougher for the DA I was told. They offered him a plea deal of 10 years, with a chance of early parole with good behavior. The night the DNA results were back. I got on a plane to Montesano to live with my step father Ray. I took his last name, I have never looked back.

Ana Steele died on September 10th at 4:32 p.m."

I unzip my sweater and pull it off. I turn my forearms to Christian.

"You see…The outside matches the inside; damaged broken, dead. Jack killed me, and I killed my child. I know I did the right thing. I did the only thing. But I did it none the less. There are 37 cuts in total. One for each minute that Jack attacked me and one for my child. My life spiraled out of control after that. If it weren't for Kate, I wouldn't have gotten through college. It was a struggle every day to wake up. But I did it. I made it. I through myself into work where I thrived and I have moved on."

"Ana…"

"Can we just take a minute please? I don't want to talk anymore right now." I saw as I slide down to the ground. I have just relived the most traumatic event in my life. I have not verbalized those details since the police report. _This is surreal and I just need a moment to process what I just did._


End file.
